I'm Back!

I inadvertently disappeared for a week. Didn't go far, just retreated into my head.
Meaning - I haven't exactly been in 'making my relationship work' mode.

I suppose this part of the journey is just as worthy of documentation as all the other times. It may sound horrible and ugly, but sometimes I get sick of trying being the best partner/boyfriend I can be. So I'm off my game at moment but hope to have my mojo back soon.

In the meantime, I'm trying not to take myself too seriously ... or make silly conclusions about things.

As for Sean and I? He and I aren't fighting. We just aren't connecting at the moment. Not sharing much together, going into parallel lives/coexistence modes (again) However, we've planned a weekend away in a months time, so hopefully that will spark some excitement.

I'm wondering how other couples get through these phases. Maybe I just think too much.

Brent.

P.S. Stopped reading the Boy Crazy book for awhile. It was doing my head in. I'll revisit it later.

Boy Crazy ... Again!

Hopefully I’m not putting everyone to sleep with my ‘Boy Crazy’ postings, but I’m finding Michael Shelton's book rather interesting. It certainly has got me thinking. Today I’ve been pondering these two opposing viewpoints:


1) A couple considers or becomes non-monogamous because there are unresolved personal/relationship issues. If these problems are overcome, the desire to stay/become monogamous returns.
2)There is no way to ensure monogamy, even if relationship obstacles have been overcome and both individuals are both happy. Author’s words: ‘[A man’s desire for] sexual novelty, experimentation, and excitement are just as predictive of sexual liaisons outside a relationship as issues occurring within that relationship.’

So, if I understand correctly, even if Sean and I were to resolve every personal/relationship obstacle the desire for us to play around might still be there because we’re innately horny? Hmm. No wonder religions were created by men – we’re scared of our own animal instincts.

A few weeks back I went on a rant about my Mormon upbringing. Just like the Catholics, Mormons are excellent at making you fear your sexual drive. You’re even taught that masturbation is a sin. I’ve often criticized the church because it makes youth feel guilty when they can’t resist the urge to have a little tug under the covers. But the logic is there – teach youth to curb their sexual drive for the sake of a monogamous future. Mind you this is only logical if you think human sexuality is something to fear, loath, and tame. And by the way, Mormons once practiced polygamy … but I’ve digressed.

The amateur/totally half-assed Buddhist in me is looking for a middle way. I have no doubt my desire to be more intimate with Sean will increase if we resolve our personal and relationship issues, but I know myself well - and I’m one horny little devil. So I tend to agree more with the author’s second statement.

Stay tuned if you dare …

Brent.

Boy Crazy #2

I read about 20 pages of Boy Crazy today. The nerd in me was happy to discover a pretty extensive list references at the back of the book from academic journals. The author has supporting evidence for his claims and for me this matters, especially on the topic of monogamy. I agree with the author that a serious dialogue on the issue is important – and that we need to dispel conjecture and myth.

The research is pretty clear when it comes to the observable sexual behaviours of gay men. Studies consistently reveal the majority of gay men have engaged in sexual activities outside of their partnerships and that many keep this secret.

And yet, more and more gay men are seeking monogamous relationships for both romantic and pragmatic reasons. The author poses a couple of great questions:

How do we make gay male relationships work if we know in advance that monogamy may (and likely will) eventually be an issue?

If gay men desire monogamous relationships, why do such relationships seem to elude us?

Good questions, and I’m anxious to read his research. But for now, can I just let out a giant ‘Phew!’ Yesterday I was feeling like the only gay in the village struggling to maintain a ‘monogamous’ relationship. I know that sounds lame. Of course I know I’m not the only one, but I don’t actually have a lot of gay friends in relationships at the moment (BTW – It was nice hearing from an anonymous reader yesterday who could relate to my posting yesterday). I often find life in a committed relationship incredibly lonely. So connecting with a larger community of men in relationships makes things a little less solitary.

☺Brent

Boy Crazy #1

There’s a guy I talk to at my gym who runs marathons. He’s a really nice guy – friendly, intelligent, funny … and HOT. I pretty sure he’s gay, and I’m pretty sure he’s got a boyfriend (ring on right hand).

My casual acquaintance sounds like the perfect opportunity for friendship or trouble. I’m not sure which. See, I have a problem maintaining friendships with really cute boys (like the one in question). I fall in love easily and develop infatuations. It’s not always a sexual thing either. Sometimes I just meet someone really nice and just start imagining what it would be like to have them as my boyfriend. It’s like a mini-love affair in my head.

There could be worse addictions than becoming infatuated with men, I suppose. But I hate it when it happens because a) I’m in a relationship with Sean … (Dah!!!) b) I end up wasting time and energy lost in stupid fantasies c) My affection for Sean wavers until those ‘other feelings’ dissipate.

A year ago, I bought the book Boy Crazy by Michael Shelton. I haven’t read the book yet. Has anyone out there read it?

Supposedly it’s a book to help gay men explore their perspectives on sex, fidelity, and alternative relationships. The subtitle sold me the book: ‘Why Monogamy Is So Hard for Gay Men and What You Can Do About It.’

I think I’ll start exploring the book and share this journey with you. I think I’m needing a bit of a relationship boost at the moment …

Brent

Who’s Your Daddy?

The only excitement worthy of note these days is the new furry addition to our household, who like everyone else deserves a proper alias for the blog. Gertrude?
Yeah. I like the sound of that.

Gertrude (the dog) has decided to treat her fathers differently. For example, if she’s playing happily in her pen under Sean’s supervision and I walk into the room, she starts whining. She also has most of her house-training ‘accidents’ on my clock. She’s giving me a complex.

It looks as though I’ve, in essence, become her mother – the one she’s most needy for, the one she challenges most. Sean is fun Daddy who she gets to cuddle with at the end of the day when I’m doing my work in the study.

Did I really need another reason to feel like I’ve taken on the traditional housewife role in our house? What's next? Babies and an SUV?

I’ve got laundry to do ...

Brent.

Thank You

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving everyone! On the weekend, a group of us expatriate Canucks gathered at my friend's place to celebrate the holiday with a posy of our favourite Australians. It was a fun event and I enjoyed watching the Aussie reaction to pumpkin pie. They say it sounds a bit revolting as a dessert until they taste it and are instantly converted.

Someone at the table asked if there are any special Thanksgiving traditions. Besides stuffing your face? Not really. Lots of families take turns going around the table to say what they're grateful for. This usually goes down in one of two ways 1) A silent competition starts where whoever can list the most things their grateful for ad nauseam, becomes the most gracious person at the table 2) Everyone simply says the one thing they are most grateful for - thus inspiring anxiety when it's your turn and you haven't thought of that one, all encompassing blessing in your life.

We didn't play the 'what are you thankful for? game.' I was relieved. I hate that game. BUT how ridiculous am I? I have a lot of great things happening in my life - and a lot to be smiling about. So for the last 24hours I've been thinking about the things I'm grateful for. I won't rant off a list to you, or tell you that Sean is the one all encompassing blessing in my life. I'll just say, it's a good thing to contemplate gratitude every now and then. Helps keep things in perspective.

Brent

P.S. Life can't be bad when you're married to someone who brings you coffee in bed.

God!

Some of you commented on my posting regarding Mormon Apostle, Boyd K. Packer's remarks on the nature of homosexuality. I was upset by his talk because it seemed like a return to 1970's rhetoric. It lacked compassion was quick to condemn.

As a Mormon youth, I took the words of these 'men of God' to heart. I was told to believe their words as God's words. So when they spoke of homosexuality as a 'tendency,'as 'unnatural' and as a 'wicked abomination,' feelings of self-hatred over my attraction to men were quick to follow. For years I tried to be good 'straight' Mormon boy until I finally gave up at age 21. It took me a good 10 years to reprogram my own thinking to not be ashamed to tell people I'm gay or that I have a male partner.

(BTW - watch the film, Prayer for Bobby if you haven't already)

Now that I'm in a better head-space, my heart goes out to all those Mormon kids who are hearing that same damning message from the pulpit who will have to go through the same process of self-acceptance - assuming suicide doesn't claim them first. That's why I reacted quite angrily to the comments made by the Apostle.

Those of you who responded on my blog spoke negatively of religion. Understandably so! Like many of you, disillusionment with religion was why I now consider myself atheist.

Sometimes I'm scared to tell people I'm atheist. There's a pretty negative stigma about it, yet interestingly enough, I've found I'm a much happy person without the looming God-figure in my life. But just like I don't believe in preaching religion, I don't believe in preaching atheism. So hereafter, I will shut-up about it!

Side-bar: Maybe I'll have some kind of working-relationship with the concept of God again one day?

Now, here's the interesting bit: Sean and I have never discussed God. We've discussed religion, but not God. He was raised Catholic, though not in a strict way - just enough witness its abuse of power, corruption and use of fear tactics. We've both been incredibly quiet about God to each other. Almost like it's the one thing we mutually agree never to discuss.

SO, I'd greatly appreciate your comments on how God/religion have affected your romantic relationships. Even if you're single, I'm curious to know if you seek a partner that shares your religious views, and what are they? Atheists - have you ever had a religious boyfriend? How did that pan out? Or do any of you go to church with your partner? Do you think it's important to date someone with a similar religious background, even if you've both left that church? (For example I often speculate on the success of the relationship if I'd married another ex-Mormon).

I want to post some ideas ... and I'm getting tired of my own perspective, so email me!

brentmakingitwork@gmail.com


Xx
Brent.

Channeling the Ex

Sean’s away for the weekend and I unintentionally channeled my ex-boyfriend last night. I’ve spoken of this ex before. We had a puppy together and after we split up we shared dog responsibilities like divorced parents. Eventually my ex decided it in the best interest of the dog to sell him to a stable home. It broke my heart and probably my ex’s too, but it made sense. My ex was a real sensitive guy, yet he could be ruthless when things needed to be done.

With all the excitement of having a puppy again (who is a miniature version of the dog I had with my ex) it’s no wonder the ex has been on my mind. Last night I had a dream that he and I were back together again but at the end of the dream we had to say goodbye. Sort of like our time was up and we had to part. The train station that served as the backdrop for this final goodbye was a nice added touch - thanks for that, psyche!

I woke up with tears on my pillow, or maybe it was drool? Something significant worked itself out in my head last night. Did I finally let go of my ex? I thought I already had, but maybe our paths just diverged a little further now that I’m starting new memories with a puppy – this time with Sean. Makes sense. I just saved myself a $150.00 trip to the psychologist.

I want to offer a paragraph from the novel Will Grayson, will grayson, by John Green & David Levithan. It’s a cute book about coming of age for gay teens. Nothing deep or mind-blowing, but I love this little bit on break-ups:

‘this is why we call people exes, i guess – because the paths that cross in the middle end up separating at the end. it’s too easy to see an X as a cross-out. it’s not, because there’s no way to cross out something like that. the X is a diagram of two paths.’



Brent

The Bitch (quite literally)

Tension at our place has peaked on Day 5 of puppy ownership. Our little rascal is going through her separation-from-the-pack anxiety phase. Poor thing. It goes completely against her canine biology to become an independent creature. But of course, we’ve got to do it. I won’t have a wild beast running around my house when she becomes an adult.

So I’ve been listening to whining and crying off and on for several days and I’m becoming a bit unnerved. Luckily for Sean, he’s at work all day. But this makes me feel like the stay-at-home mom with the colic-baby-from-Hell. By the time Sean gets home, I’m a crabby wife that won’t put-out, or even cuddle.

But I put my hand up for this so I can't complain! And there is a light at the end of the tunnel – every Google search tells me that our puppy will learn not to cry as long as I continue to ignore her pitiful pleas to be let free. In a week or two, she’ll be the quiet angel we hope her to be. I hope …

Sean and I will get through this, however unpleasant it may be.

RAGE

Called Mom yesterday and she was angry and frustrated but wouldn’t tell me why. Talked to Dad for a few minutes and he seemed distant. I couldn’t figure out why they’d both acted so strange until this morning when a friend sent me a YouTube clip of a talk given this weekend by a Mormon leader in Salt Lake City. Twice a year, the Mormon church broadcasts talks given by their leaders. Its members believe these talks to be the words of God.

Putting two and two together, I realized my Mom would have been upset with the talk about ‘Satan’s counterfeit marriages,’ given by this fossil named Boyd Packer. (He really should be careful damning homosexuals with a name containing the words ‘boy’ and ‘packer’).

I’m totally pissed and enraged by his words. Not because of their stupidity and inherent bigotry but because these words affect the relationship I have with my family. Mom and Dad have made so much progress in accepting Sean and I. Mom struggles because she wants to just move on from the whole gay issue, yet her church leaders (who speak God’s words, remember) tell her that her son lives in a counterfeit marriage designed by Satan.

How is that conducive to happy Christmas dinners?

‘Pass the mashed potatoes, Spawn of Satan.’
‘Yes, Dad.’

I try to keep an open mind about Mormonism because it was how I was raised and because my entire family believes in it so strongly. I try not to vent anger at the church, even though its condemning language did fuck me up for many years.

I don’t understand why the Mormon church feels such an incessant need to instill fear in its members about a socio-political human rights movement that IS happening and will continue to happen no matter what they preach.



A couple of phrases in the talk that really got me:

‘We raise an alarm and warn members ... that this wickedness might threaten your family circle.‘
Seriously, Boyd. The only person threatening my family circle at the moment is YOU. ‘Alarm’ and ‘warn’? Stop equating gay marriage to a terrorist attack. Fear is a lousy way to attain members.

‘Satan's many substitutes and counterfeits for marriage’
Boyd – remember when the church used to practice polygamy? And now you preach singular marriage between a man and women is the only acceptable way? If you’ve changed ‘God’s’ definition of marriage once, don’t you think it’s a little hypocritical to preach a singular definition? So your history of plural marriage was a what … a phase?

I should stop here, before my ‘wickedness’ starts dropping f-bombs and gets vicious.
I just wish the church would just leave this issue alone. They preach the importance of family and yet they pit family members against each other the more they push their agenda.

One day I hope church leaders will just shut-up and leave it alone. I don’t want their approval or acceptance, just their silence. I’ve tried to give them the respect of my silence by not speaking out, but screw it. Call a spade a spade. Mormon views on homosexuality are pure BULL SHIT.

Where’s my blood pressure pills?
Brent.

Advice to the over-thinker

I gave relationship advice to a straight girl tonight and I’m hoping I haven’t said the wrong thing. I’m not too worried, actually. Gay guys have been offering bad advice to women for decades (yes, even before Will & Grace).

Abbey’s been seeing a guy for a few weeks now. She’s realized she likes him and he likes her. But now she’s starting to over-think it. Being no stranger to over-thinking, I could relate to her concern – her guy isn’t the type she usually falls for, nor the guy she ever ‘pictured’ herself with.

I just told her to enjoy the ride (that wasn’t meant to sound pornographic), to enjoy the romance, the excitement of having someone taking an interest in her. Worrying too much about whether someone is the perfect match can become a dangerous habit. I’ve written about this before, but I feel it’s worth restating: I don’t believe there is a ‘right one’ for each individual. I just believe there are duos that work and duos that don’t. Had I not given the Brent-Sean duo a chance … well … I think it goes without saying that I’m glad I did.

Brent.

Thanks for the suggestions on puppy names. Our little duo is now a trio, and we’re ecstatic. For us, a dog makes a home.

Just the Three of Us

I’m having difficultly typing because a puppy has wedged herself into my armpit. Newsflash! Sean and I bought a puppy today. And I’m in shock because it all happened so quickly.

We’ve been dog shopping awhile now, but had no serious leads until yesterday when a couple posted an online ad selling their 10 -week old puppy. Unfortunately they couldn’t keep her because of a strata pet regulation and were desperate to find her a new home. They’d only had her a week, but a week is plenty of time to bond with a furry friend. I nearly cried (for them) as they passed her over into our care.

We’re trying to decide on name. All along I thought we’d end up with a boy so I’ve got no clue what to name her. Sean and I’ve been trying on names for her all evening, but nothing has really stuck. Any suggestions? A name that says, ‘I may have two gay Dads, but I’m still the bigger Diva.’

So we’ll be preoccupied with puppy things for the next little while. In no time, I hope to have her fully trained to mix me a drink and massage my feet after a long day. Or is that Sean’s job?

Brent

(She’s going to keep me up all night, isn’t she?)